Friday, September 17, 2010

I run

I lay there in my bed.. wishing I had dealt with the things that I was avoiding for so long... I've drawn the sheets over my face to block any visual contact with this world. I've changed my posture for the hundredth time.. assuring myself that this one will help me doze off. I bury my face into the pillow with eyes shut tight. Nothing works. Uff! I switch on some music.. I try to pretend that the music has made me calmer...

I wake up the next morning really cheered up. Why? I just dreamt  that the all my problems have been taken care of.
The teacher i was supposed to meet two months ago for the project I am working on had himself walked to me and had assured me that all was well. No hard feelings.
The bad marks i scored in the last test were all a big calculation mistake!
The uncomfortable situation with my friend, was sorted out in a nice intelligent conversation.
(Sometimes i even make up beautiful poems in my dreams... I am smarter asleep than awake i think!)

It takes exactly the time for the walk from my bed to the bathroom mirror for this cheery lightness to fade. And as I wet my toothbrush, a soft "o crap" replaces the smile on my lips. I realize it was all a dream! Life continues to suck as it did yesterday! And then it all comes back to me..
And I know..
once again I'll have to avoid any chance of crossing paths with that teacher,
once again I'll have to think about taking classes seriously,
once again things with my friend will be as uncomfortable as ever..!

 That's it. These two are the only times in my twenty-four hours that are scheduled for guilt. The rest of the day passes by without a minute wasted on any of those worries. Everyday is all about carefree chatter and ill-timed idling .
Of course, staying with your parents (a downside for the sloth in you and upside for the sincere one) ensures a reminder a day. But that can be dealt with by picking up a quarrel every time they try to stir your conscience. (wicked eh? hehe!)You would think this girl spends so much energy trying to avoid being reminded of her procrastination, she might as well deal with things in time and be at peace. You don't think I already know that? Can't help it somehow!

Its like a giant blind-spot. I try to shove things behind it so I don't see them and so I don't worry about them either. But as I squish too many things behind this blind-spot, they begin to peep out from back there. And as they begin to wriggle out, I shove them back harder, but I know. Soon, I'll have to face them. There just isn't enough space back there to accommodate them all... for that long.

Yes, the day passes by smoothly as I steer clear of anything that might bring up the topic of what I am running from this season... but with dusk that dreadful pit in my stomach begins to overpower all my attempts at keeping it at bay...
And as I go back to bed, no matter how many postures I change,  how tightly I bury my face into the pillow, how much those sheets block my view of the world, things don't change.. day after day.. things only get worse..! I curse myself for being so irresponsible, commit that I'll face my fears the next day, and I let this fresh firm decision fool myself yet again into a series of comforting dreams, that, morning after morning, help me greet my toothbrush with a smile... :)