Friday, September 17, 2010

I run

I lay there in my bed.. wishing I had dealt with the things that I was avoiding for so long... I've drawn the sheets over my face to block any visual contact with this world. I've changed my posture for the hundredth time.. assuring myself that this one will help me doze off. I bury my face into the pillow with eyes shut tight. Nothing works. Uff! I switch on some music.. I try to pretend that the music has made me calmer...

I wake up the next morning really cheered up. Why? I just dreamt  that the all my problems have been taken care of.
The teacher i was supposed to meet two months ago for the project I am working on had himself walked to me and had assured me that all was well. No hard feelings.
The bad marks i scored in the last test were all a big calculation mistake!
The uncomfortable situation with my friend, was sorted out in a nice intelligent conversation.
(Sometimes i even make up beautiful poems in my dreams... I am smarter asleep than awake i think!)

It takes exactly the time for the walk from my bed to the bathroom mirror for this cheery lightness to fade. And as I wet my toothbrush, a soft "o crap" replaces the smile on my lips. I realize it was all a dream! Life continues to suck as it did yesterday! And then it all comes back to me..
And I know..
once again I'll have to avoid any chance of crossing paths with that teacher,
once again I'll have to think about taking classes seriously,
once again things with my friend will be as uncomfortable as ever..!

 That's it. These two are the only times in my twenty-four hours that are scheduled for guilt. The rest of the day passes by without a minute wasted on any of those worries. Everyday is all about carefree chatter and ill-timed idling .
Of course, staying with your parents (a downside for the sloth in you and upside for the sincere one) ensures a reminder a day. But that can be dealt with by picking up a quarrel every time they try to stir your conscience. (wicked eh? hehe!)You would think this girl spends so much energy trying to avoid being reminded of her procrastination, she might as well deal with things in time and be at peace. You don't think I already know that? Can't help it somehow!

Its like a giant blind-spot. I try to shove things behind it so I don't see them and so I don't worry about them either. But as I squish too many things behind this blind-spot, they begin to peep out from back there. And as they begin to wriggle out, I shove them back harder, but I know. Soon, I'll have to face them. There just isn't enough space back there to accommodate them all... for that long.

Yes, the day passes by smoothly as I steer clear of anything that might bring up the topic of what I am running from this season... but with dusk that dreadful pit in my stomach begins to overpower all my attempts at keeping it at bay...
And as I go back to bed, no matter how many postures I change,  how tightly I bury my face into the pillow, how much those sheets block my view of the world, things don't change.. day after day.. things only get worse..! I curse myself for being so irresponsible, commit that I'll face my fears the next day, and I let this fresh firm decision fool myself yet again into a series of comforting dreams, that, morning after morning, help me greet my toothbrush with a smile... :)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Defenseless deities

Everybody has a favorite color. Mine is red. Everybody has a favorite TV show. Mine is FRIENDS. Everybody has a favorite writer. Mine is Rowling. Likewise, everybody has a favorite God! This, I don’t.
It’s probably the lack of thorough reading of our mythology, that keeps me from picking my favorite. Whatever the reason maybe, I beckon to him as somebody flawless, supreme, unseen.  Yet, there.  And that’s enough for me. I right, to please him. I avoid wrong to not displease him. And that disciplines my life.

Flea bitten my knowledge of mythology may be, but I always knew that Lord Krishna was a very practical man. Aren’t we all taught that means are as important as the ends?? (Wink wink at all Sewagramees!)… They were never so to him were they? Ram on the other hand was a Godlier figure. I liked him better. And so, predictably, I preferred Ramayana over Mahabharata. Yes, the fact that it is less complicated (though less interesting) was a contributory factor too!

I saw Rajneeti the other day. And it did nothing to heighten my respect for Krishna. Few days later, I saw Raavan. And I came back unhappy. It wasn’t the movie. Mani Ratnam did a fab job according to me.  But now, the god in Ram was fast being replaced by a man… Flawed, regular and imperfect.

Every time I thought about these two heroes, my temper soared. I need my God to be 100% God! Twenty four carat! No copper! (Wink at pa!)
I cursed them right left center in front of my parents… hoping them to defend the deities…  But they didn’t. Or couldn’t. (?)

Agreed, they are human avatars of god, so they are allowed to be slightly blemished. Agreed, they were being portrayed like the rest of us. But also, they are supposed to be ideal men. These two avatars are supposed to be the most righteous of humans… 

And yet somehow I feel that sapiens godlier than these gods have walked this planet...
If they haven’t, I would want to stop striving to be a better person…
And if they have, gods simply aren’t good enough and I…. will remain favorite bereft in this regard!
The later, I prefer! 

Friday, June 11, 2010

Tryst with the dentist

I was 7 and in the dentist’s chair. My mom was right beside me… encouraging and egging me on.

The dentist was all sugar as she helped me into her chair. But I should have known better. She pushed into my gums something to help me not feel the pain later... It is ironic how painful this pain relieving process was. And so, teary eyed, I looked at her with disgust, at my mom with a how-could-you-do-this-to-me face and I ran! Literally ran! As soon as I found that the two women around me were engrossed in their own little talk, I slipped off the chair and I ran all the way to my home without a pause… without a backward glance… 
I sat inside the house all day with a swollen gum (all thanks to the Cruella with needles!) cursing my newly built up courage that took me to her in the first place!

I was 10 and in the dentist’s chair. My mom was right beside me… encouraging and egging me on.

This time the dentist was a student. And not a smart one. He tried with all his might to pull out one of my canines.  Heavens know what problem he had with it! Thankfully, the canine refused. This time I didn’t have to run back home. My mom brought me home herself! I think she, like me, saw how stupid the guy was. I think she, like me, could see no sense in pulling out a perfectly healthy tooth. 
I lived with a scarred gum for a month… again cursing my courage!

I was 14 and not in the dentist’s chair. My mom was trying to convince me to visit the dentist to get braces like everyone around me was. But I knew better.
Despite her futile attempts to make me see reason, I didn’t hate my gums enough to let another person meddle with them.

I am 20 and in the dentist’s chair! (Yeah!)  And my mom hasn’t edged me on this time!!

No, I am not that beauty conscious. No, I am not a big fan of the perfect smile. No, my repulsion for dentists hasn’t dwindled one bit.  So what brought back the long lost courage??
One notorious canine has been creating mayhem in my mouth. So helpless and horrified, I had to visit another one of them.
Contrary to what people told me, the procedure isn’t painful, fits my schedule and lets me eat whatever I like! So far so good..!

The new dentist isn’t sugar toothed or stupid. That is… nothing like my previous encounters. I like this cake! And here’s the cherry- it’s been two months since I’ve been flaunting steel over my dentition… And yet somehow my gums are neither swollen, nor bruised! :)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Emotional knapsack!

As I stare at the credits of another one of those happily ending romantics, all weepy and choky, I know that the next thirty minutes or so are going to be ecstatic!
These thirty minutes for me are so emotionally charged, that I am very sure, I am floating at least a millimetre above the floor during them! ;D
The reason for the strange positivity in the air, I don’t know.
But as they tick by...  I forgive my mom for yelling at me. I thank god for the lovely weather. I laugh like an idiot over silly things. I suddenly know what the tattoo on my shoulder's going to be! I want to chat with my friends. I want to cook. I want to make my parents tea. I even picture Ashu n Shaily with kids! (he he!) Yeah!

 It’s in these precious thirty that I am in such a high that classes, college, career mean trash. There is more to life than the tangibles. Love, friendship, trust, sacrifice, joy... they are all that matter!

There are no inhibitions. No second thoughts. No holding back. No regard for "if I do this, that could happen!"
At times these thirty make me do things I would never even consider doing. Is that giving you a positive vibe? It’s the opposite! The things you avoid when you are in your right mind, (and by right mind I mean not so utterly euphoric) are better left unscathed. But the spell the movie has you under, has disarmed you incompetent to be discrete! You want to sort things with the freak you stopped talking to, because all of a sudden, the reason for the lack of conversation seems irrational! Big mistake! You want to call another one who screwed you over and say "it’s okay, let’s forget it" and apologise for being aloof.  Somebody hold me back! I wouldn’t have even cared to think about these jerks otherwise! 

And I relate the intensity of this crazy urge to "sort things out" directly proportional to number of tears you shed during the movie. And if the end of the movie leaves you all wet and weepy... Gone! No one can help me then! I am bound to do something that I'll regret later!

So do I shut off my phone and go to sleep so I don’t do anything stupid??
Naaaa... I can’t! Coz I love being the person I am during these thirty. I cannot put her to sleep just because she might do something that'll send me banging my head into a wall later. I want every second of those thirty minutes. I want to get that high. It’s during these thirty that I rediscover the hopeless romantic in me! Cliché?  Maybe...  But very apt!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Decrypting LiFe!

I only begin to find solace in confiding my uncertainties and sorrows to a friend and I realize that friendship means squat to him.
I start seeing good in everybody and they start taking me for granted.
I decide to go reckless, live in the moment... and a disapproving inner self would hold me back.

Then the truth dawned upon me~ I wasn't very good at living life...!! In fact, I was a loser life wise..! Academics I can handle... par life ka kya??!
So I went for some help. I figured plenty of wise men have left their trail of thoughts for people like me, to help us figure out the life's intricate complexities.

 A great man in "the cookbook of English quotes" told me that trusting someone blindly would give me unparalleled joy, another wise one snorted a sarcastic "yeah, right!" at that, nullifying the peace the first guy had blessed me with, leaving me suddenly aware of the harsh realities of life... These men seemed to be disagreeing on nearly every possible subject! Their ideas were extremes, contradicting each other at every point!

So it seems that in the "Age of great men", while half the "great men" painted you a serene and angelic picture of life, the other half were busy highlighting the flaws and evil plots that life's so full of! And these gourmets have nibbled at life with such relish, that no aspect of human behaviour or emotion is left to taste.

So now that the whole exploring-the-human-mind thing has been done already, supposedly the wise men in this generation must be jobless!
If only some out there, instead of straining their brilliant minds over "how much would xyz subatomic particle weigh??" or "the new protein present in the cell wall of some stupid bacterium", diverted them toward decrypting life  by a concise systematic review or  meta-analysis of everything great people have said, every relevant anecdote, every intervention, every outcome, every pilot attempt at reaching the ultimate truth... If only somebody dared to work upon this unanswered research question   ... life would be so much simpler!
But till that happens, life to me remains the most puzzling problem, the most complex cryptogram!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Another blog? What about??

As I open the window to begin writing a new post, ten different ideas hit me! But then come the constraints~ some are too personal to share, some too offensive, and some so subjective that my own view regarding them could change the very next day rendering them "not fit" to be blogged about at the moment! I finally end up with nothing to write about!

Tonight was one such night when i had the time and the mood to write. And as i ruled one idea after another, the strongest emotion at that point of time was my helplessness at not being able to come up with the "right idea"! And thats when i figured that this very feeling was it!

You might not completely get me when i say i have multiple constraints that hold me back when writing a blog.. Here, let me help~ The ideas brimming at the top of my mind include how i feel about my friend's latest crush- shhhhh!; about the friend who betrayed me~ too personal!; about how much i hate our college's administration~ too risky!; II year results~ boring!; my new project~ again, boring!; our teachers~ depressing and risky!; the gathering~ nothing much to say; politics~ haven't got a clue!; cricket~ again zilch!; guys~ personal and subjective!
See my point?? Nothing seems just right!

Another funny-for-you, and frustrating-for-me thing is that the urge to write about something is at its peak only when i am super busy or have exams coming up sometime soon.. It'll always be after a hectic day during a demanding phase of the session that I'll have one of those waves of ideas to write about... And when they come, I can focus on nothing else until i put them into words...

So no matter how much I crave for those "waves" to hit me now, I know when they'll come... It'll be sometime around 3 am, after an eight to four weekday and when either the semesters will be a fortnight away or I'll have some project work with a deadline...

Till now I knew not about their timing, but now that I know about their evil nature, all I'll do is smile to myself, submit to their strength, push everything else for later, and just sit down and type... :)